Does it take two to derail a relationship? - Talk About Marriage

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Today, 12:59 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 1,003	There was a question brought up in another thread that i have often wondered about and thought deserved a thread of it's own. It seems the agreement is that when a wife doesn't want sex, it usually is because her husband isn't fulfilling her emotional needs; she doesn't feel excited, loved, and respected. I assume this doesn't just happen overnight, so, what is the wife's responsibility, along with the husband, to keep it from getting to this point? I'm not talking about a marriage where the husband is abusive or suddenly turned idiot, I'm talking about a seemingly "good" relationship that somehow derails due to not meeting each other's needs. How does this happen? During the discussions before my divorce, my x wife told me that I didn't give her what she needed emotionally, but she said I did the first ten years of our marriage. She said she "waited for me to change back," but I never did. Honestly, I didn't notice the negative change within myself, but i suppose I may have slacked off due to not getting my sexual needs met. I suppose I didn't feel loved or respected either due to that. I didn't just decide one day to stop giving her what she needed, I guess it just came naturally in the beginning and naturally waned as my needs were not met, but somehow I was the heel for not meeting her needs. She waited for me to change, so apparently she thought I was the only one that needed to change. I recently saw an interesting episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond"(I know, it's just a tv show), where they were having sexual issues. The wife said he wasn't giving her variety and she shouldn't have to ask for it because after being married 10 years he should know her. He asked, "well, shouldn't you know me too?" In other words, if he is the type that doesn't pick up on things like he should, shouldn't she know that and perhaps try something other than just "suffering in silence"? For those wives who no longer enjoy sex because your husband isn't meeting your needs, can you pinpoint when it started and why? Did you try to keep your husband on track and he just ignored it? Once a marriage gets to the place that the woman needs romance to have sex, and the man needs sex to want romance, that is a tough place to bi in.
?

Today, 01:15 PM	? #2 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 207	Quote: There was a question brought up in another thread that i have often wondered about and thought deserved a thread of it's own. It seems the agreement is that when a wife doesn't want sex, it usually is because her husband isn't fulfilling her emotional needs; she doesn't feel excited, loved, and respected. I assume this doesn't just happen overnight, so, what is the wife's responsibility, along with the husband, to keep it from getting to this point? I'm not talking about a marriage where the husband is abusive or suddenly turned idiot, I'm talking about a seemingly "good" relationship that somehow derails due to not meeting each other's needs. How does this happen? It's called communication. I didn't quote the rest of your post, but basically it seems like you are reviewing things with 20/20 hindsight. You don't have that benefit when you are actually in the relationship. Talk about your problems, but talk before they become a problem. People think that because there isn't a problem, you don't need to talk. Wrong, that's when you need to talk the most. It's so much easier to bring up a problem when you first notice it and say "Hey, I noticed the past few weeks we haven't been intimate as much. Is everything ok?" Than to wait a few years and accuse her of being a frigid ***** for not having sex while she calls you a lazy ass for not wanting to take her out for a couple's date or a weekend away.
?

Today, 06:37 PM	? #10 (permalink)
Forum Supporter ? Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: USA Posts: 4,765	Quote: I think the OP is focusing on the marriages that start well and where both spouses are apparently happy and neither has cheated or been abusive. Then all of a sudden (again apparently) one has checked out. I think that happens because many people have a talent for self-deception or an aversion to conflict, meaning that they convince themselves to be happy or at least silent when they are not or will do anything to avoid an uncomfortable conversation and then when the dam breaks and the resentment pours out the original problem is revealed x1000. In those cases it really is the problem of both spouses. One has caused pain and the other hasn't reacted to it sufficiently. There's an unfair expectation that one should just know what the other is thinking. That's just asking for trouble. Men and women will always perceive things differently. The only way to compensate for that is through clear verbal communication. Oh so excellently expressed here. Even in our marriage.... my husband leans towards being a "conflict avoider".... he is not the type to welcome confrontation...... I am so far different from this sort of personality... I guess I didn't realize others DO this.... if/when I have an issue, you are going to hear about it...not in a mean way, but at it's tender roots... no grass grows under my feet either. So when I was digging not too long ago, after I thought I dug to the depths already on where we missed each other .... asking more questions about his FEELINGS during those years..... He told me towards the end, he started wanting me to "suffer" like he was....why his initiating slacked off.....how he was slowly building resentment towards me over wanting more sex. Thinking back though, when I came onto him...he never pushed me away...maybe a very slight hesitation at 1st.... so how in the world was I to know he was feeling like that! (I guess he didn't have the will power!)... I told him he really sucked at trying to get the message across! I must say I was blindsided by this.......I had a moment where I felt our whole marraige was a LIE ....this threw my emotions into a whirlwind.... I WAS SO HAPPY the whole 19 yrs.......and to learn he was NOT .... ....... I cried when he shared all of this, I needed to hear it....How he must have felt, how I did him wrong....He didn't deserve any of it ..... then my emotions swung the other way....I was furious with him for putting himself down like that..... what right did he have to keep that from me....How dare him!! .... In this way, we both suffered -when you think about it -this robbed him of the vibrant fullfilled husband he could have been. No wonder I wasn't jumping to take him down every night. He is a part of US... was I that difficult to come too.....I hardly think so. He had options. In his defense, he said it wasn't THAT bad, comparing the guys at work & their wives, he had it pretty damn good...didn't want to rock the boat.....at least I needed sex every week and initiated ! I told him if he ever does this BS to me again, I am going to put his balls in a vise (gotta use a little humor) .....Dagone it ... I don't go for that. Express yourself and your needs .....Be assertive...open up the dialog....Come to me so we can reason together.... for our mutual happiness. It's in the bag now. We did talk about everything else under the sun in our marriage, just not sex.....Believe it or not. So many avoid talking about the "emotional", the vulnerable also. To learn these things in our youth -before we marry. How much heartache it can all save...if both truly care to please each other......and make it work come hell or high water. __________________ ~ Passion and purpose go hand in hand. When you discover your purpose, you will normally find it?s something you?re tremendously passionate about. ~ Steve Pavlina
?

Today, 07:14 PM	? #12 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: New Mexico Posts: 4,404	Does it take two to derail a relationship? Sometimes, not always. There are circumstances in which it only takes one person to break a marriage. Some of these are mental illness, drug/alcohol addiction, porn addiction, video game addiction, serial cheaters, or a person unilaterally checks out of the marriage. But all of that aside, it takes two. You might have changed. But did your wife tell you of her issues? Did she tell you what she needed long before she decided to get a divorce? IMHO, if she did not tell you then she is the one who has the greatest responsibility for the failure in the marriage. If on the other hand she did tell you but you did not listen and/or refused to work on the marriage with her then you are more at fault. There are ways to get a marriage back on track. It?s really not all that hard, it just takes love and commitment and the right guidance. If a couple was in love once, they can fall back in love again. There is some very good material available for building and/or fine tuning a marriage. See the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Note that two of the links in particular are ones that a couple should learn to use often? ?His Needs, Her Needs? and ?Love Busters?. Once a couple learns to do what these goods teach they can use the concepts over and over as they both change over time to get back on track. My suggestion is that the couple read the books together and work on the exercises together? then do it every so often. There are also very good marriage retreats that help with these sorts of things. Another good book is ?Divorce Busting?. For example if your wife felt that you had changed, it was her obligation to tell you what she was feeling and what she needed. If she did not know what she needed, it?s her obligation to figure out what she needs and to tell you. You cannot be a mind reader. It does not work that way. Unfortunately we don?t each kids about how to have a strong marriage and family. These book alone would make a great course for teens and college aged kids to give them a good start in life. Unfortunately most of us discover these kinds of help after it?s too late to help the current marriage.
?

Find a Therapist:

Source: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/51075-does-take-two-derail-relationship.html

tyler perry whitney houston r kelly r. kelly macular degeneration whitney houston funeral judi dench alicia keys